A loose genre I’d call ‘star-studded fun’ is making a comeback, and boy does it not mix with our sarcastic, unimpressed times. “Serious” film critics (in reality, we are not a serious lot) always turned their noses up at these movies. They’re too obviously low-brow, too winky at the audience. Regular filmgoers, who have always turned up for these movies, don’t need them as much, either. They have regular access to even the biggest celebrities, so seeing them all smooshed together onscreen, whether at awards shows or in cast-driven movies, doesn’t carry the same thrill it used to. And yet we’re getting a new round of Hercule Poirot movies. And the bevy of straight-to-streaming larks like Red Notice and The Gray Man. And now, Argylle.
Argylle’s fleet-footed spy hijinks are more of a kind with Red Notice, and it will stream on Apple TV+ shortly. But first, the behemoth gets a theatrical release, which begs the question, what are its aspirations? Like so many Red Notices before it, it’s not worth the price of a movie ticket, but a lazy afternoon stream in a few months? Sure. So why the theatrical run?
Argylle is convoluted but simple enough to be diverting. It starts out with a stylish, sexy spy mission where Henry Cavill’s Argylle is sniffed out and everything devolves into a “thrilling” chase. The cheese and poor CGI is so egregious that your hackles might rise. But wait! Turns out this is an excerpt from the hit Argylle books, and everything you’ve seen comes from the mind of its author, Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard). Things settle into a more palatable level of absurd clichés in the film’s “real” world. Elly is a single, anxious cat lady living through the adventures she creates. But then she’s pulled into the real world of espionage by Sam Rockwell’s Aidan, who says her books are so on point that she’s calling out real spy world events. And on and on and on the twists come. None are overly surprising and some veer into tiresome, but none are rested on too long to grind things to a halt.
The twists mean a huge cast of characters come and go, a perfect setup for your favorite stars to come to set for a few days and churn out a couple scenes. The main joy, or at least curiosity, of seeing Argylle with other people is hearing everyone react to their favorites. My heart, though, belongs to the film’s main duo.
To be clear, I love Sam Rockwell. There’s a running joke about how unimpressive Rockwell’s Aiden is compared to the suaveness of Cavill’s Argylle, but give me a scruffy goof over suave any day. Every one of Rockwell’s head tilts elevate the thoroughly meh Argylle, and without him the movie would’ve been a loss.
Bryce Dallas Howard is comfortably pleasant here as well, and together the pair strike tones and poses that have more personality than the by-the-numbers script deserves. Proving that they’re the ones making the material and not the other way around, the film gives both a late “glow-up”, intending to make them look and act more like glamorous spies, and I almost revolted. I mean, whatever poofing they did to Rockwell’s hair was bad enough, but making Howard A BLONDE? No.
This plot twist marks the beginning of the end of Argylle’s fun. Not only does it start thoroughly wasting the charm of its two leads, but it spins the tone too far into director Matthew Vaughn’s endless attempt to recapture Kingsman’s glory. The first Kingsman, to be clear. Neither the sequel nor prequel lived up to the zany energy of the original, and neither does the climax of Argylle, as much as it wants to. These sequences feel like they’re from an entirely different movie than Argylle, not just unnecessary but jarring and deflating. The rest of the movie had zipped by with a pleasantly medium level of energy. Its sudden reach for wacky, elaborate action is not what a lazy afternoon movie needs.
If Argylle had peppered in this energy earlier it would’ve felt of a piece, and perhaps the film would’ve earned its big-screen release. As is, all that money and all those stars only add up to a mildly entertaining romp. It’s not enough of a mess to be mad at, maybe because I can’t be mad at this much Sam Rockwell goodness, but I was certainly left wanting a better ending. And more Sam Rockwell.
Release: Available now in theaters
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jason Fuchs
Cast: Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Henry Cavill, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara
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